TSkree

I Release the Past and Move Boldly into my Future

2011-09-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

I release the past and move boldly into my future........I release the past and move boldly into my future.....

Easier said than done! Especially in light of a phone conversation that I had earlier that really hurt my feelings. I know it shouldn't have, and maybe the person didn't mean it the way it sounded. But because of a lot of old wounds (apparently unhealed) it still hurt and all I want to do is go back to my old friend, 'Comfort Food.' Now I know that this is simply NOT logical and it WON'T help me in any way at all. But I still want all those empty, fattening, useless calories to stuff my face with and fill my gut so I won't feel empty and sad any more. Instead, I sit here and blog.....and think about all the changes I've made in the last couple of months and know that these changes have helped me to feel better physically and mentally. So, instead of french fries I snacked on an avocado and in a few minutes I'll have cucumber/dill salad. They aren't french fries, fried chicken or ice cream, but I'll thank myself tomorrow! And it has been wonderful to purge old clothes from my closet and replace them with new ones in a smaller size (3 sizes actually).

Oh the joy of change....even a good change can be difficult at times!

Interesting Insight

2011-08-11T16:12:00.001-07:00

The last couple of days have been fascinating to me. I know I've lost weight, even though it's not very much in the scope of my long-term goal, but even with that little bit of loss, I've dropped 2 pant sizes (should have only been 1 according to the statistics). So, yesterday 2 people came up to me and made a comment about how different I look since I started work here 2 months ago and asked how much weight I'd lost, what I was eating, etc. Later in the day someone made a comment that I was 'glowing'. Today another person made a comment about my weight loss and said that a mutual friend of ours saw me last Saturday from a distance and said I look different, like I was glowing or something. Then later today another person said she saw a photo of me from 3 1/2 years ago and said I look lighter and younger now than I did then and asked me what I was doing.

All of this is very interesting to me. It makes me feel self conscious, but happy that all my hard work has paid off. At this point it isn't even hard work, it's what I enjoy and what makes me feel healthy, alive and happy. When I was trying to explain that to someone she just couldn't figure out how I could actually enjoy eating vegetables, fruit, nuts and seeds all the time. Again - I'm not a 100% raw vegan. I typically try to listen to what my body wants, which as a compulsive overeater has not been an easy task. The other day, I wanted meat, so I had 3 ribs and a chicken thigh for lunch. I occassionaly eat steamed veggies if it sounds good, etc. I'm not judging myself for seeking out what I intuitively need. I know if I've overstepped the bounds, and then I try to assess the situation and learn how to avoid the pitfall next time.

This is all a process of baby steps in my journey of recovery from food addiction.

Pizza Anyone?

2011-08-10T20:38:00.001-07:00

I've been wanting pizza lately so I found a raw version. Last night I mixed up the dough and put it on to dehydrate. Then, on the way home from work I picked up some fresh cauliflower, broccoli, asparagus & mushrooms. I put them in a marinade while I mixed up a red sauce. The only non-raw thing on my pizza was some high quality cheese. I haven't tried making nut cheeses yet, and I wanted to make sure I wanted to eat my dinner! Let me just say - this was delish!!!!! I'm becoming quite the 'raw cook'. I brought fresh veggies and home made hummus (from raw the raw garbanzo beans that I found at the store) to work today and shared it with several people - they kept coming back for more, so it must have been good. All I know is, I'm doing something right cuz I've lost 18lbs since the end of May.

I've been going through my clothes and weeding out the things that are too big to look okay on me. I was going to keep them, then decided that wasn't a good idea. Someone else can be using them, and I DON'T want to go back there.

I'm really enjoying this process. I notice new smells and tastes every day, and it's made me wonder why I waited so long to really enjoy food!

Homework

2011-08-08T11:22:00.000-07:00

I'm on my quest to a lighter and healthier me. One of the books I'm reading has assigned homework....not sure what I think about this yet, but here goes: Oh - one note. I've been eating healthier since 7/4/11 so some of these questions apply to me pre-7/4/11.

When did I start overeating? Honestly, I have no idea, but I remember being pudgy from a very young age. My mom used to sew a lot of clothes for me and I remember her making comments that she had to buy 'husky' patterns. I've never thought of myself as slim, but when I look back at pictures from grade school all through high school, I don't seem overweight. I am definitely not a twig, but the photos I have don't look round either.

What were the circumstances around me at that time? I suppose if I had to sum up my childhood, it would be 'turbulent'. I hated the school I went to, didn't have a lot of friends, the friends I did have weren't typically a good influence, I dated older boys - typically 5+ years older and I endured some trauma that I don't think I'll reveal here....

How did I feel during and after overeating? Food has always been a non-judgemental safe haven for me. It was a friend that I could always count on to be there, no matter what time of day or night. As I got older (college age), the after-effects of over-eating were guilt, remorse, sadness.

What was it that I overate? Pizza, soda, chips, fast food, ice cream, candy, fried food, chocolate

What do I overeat now? Coffee, diet soda (coke, dr. pepper), chips, fast food (french fries), chocolate

When do I overeat now? Late at night, all day at work, when I'm alone

What foods do I crave? salty foods (chips); sweets (chocolate, ice cream), caffeine

My personal trigger foods: Salty foods (chips, french fries, hamburger, fast food in general); sweets; caffeine in the form of diet soda

My trigger foods seem to contain: sugar, wheat, stimulants; fatty fried foods. So, these are the food types that I will need to abstain from in order to break the cycle, even if it isn't specifically a trigger food since anything containing those ingredients could lead me back to my old addictions.

Below is a list of foods I'm striving to consume, and in this order:
An abundance of greens & vegetables
Nuts
Seeds
Last & least: Fruit

Okay - enough rambling for the day....

Samples of what I enjoy

2011-08-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

This gorgeous salad was dinner last night. After work I came home and as I was watering my garden I picked a variety of lettuces, strawberries, cucumber, cherry tomatoes (orange & red) , chives & sage. The squash is from my dad's garden. The dressing is rasberries blended with soaked raw cashews. It was absolutely fabulous! Shortly after dinner, Jarrod called and invited us over for banana splits. So, since he had to go to the store and get stuff I got up and made 'ice cream' so I could enjoy the fun too. I used coconut milk, raw macadamia nuts, cacao, vanilla, coconut oil & agave necter blended until creamy and then threw it in the ice cream maker. 20 minutes later we were off to their house. No I must say that while my bowl wasn't as fancy and didn't have any toppings - I enjoyed it guilt free on top of my split banana.

For breakfast this a.m., Ron wanted crepes. So after we got home from Jarrod & Jessica's I mixed 4 bananas and the juice from 1 lemon in the blender, poured it into 8 - 5" rounds on teflex and tossed it in the dehydrator. Once that was on I put 1 c of raw cashews on to soak. When I got up this a.m. I took the 'crepes' out of the dehydrator and then tossed the soaked cashews, vanilla and a small amount of agave necter in the blender to make my cream filling. For the fruit I used fresh pineapple and blueberries. It was delicicous!

After breakfast we went to the Peddler's Faire and then home for lunch, which for me was the rest of the above salad (I made enough for 2x) and some green beans. Then I made some raw crackers and flat breads (they're still in the dehydrator) and had the rest of my 'ice cream' for dinner.

Mind Stuff: After yesterday, with so much cooked food & eating out, today has been wonderful. I've been very busy, but still found time for a nap. My head is clear and focused.

Soul Stuff: Got a call last night about Carol - she fell and fractured her skull, was airlifted to a hospital in Hot Springs and spent the night in ICU. Today she was moved to a regular room, she is awake and coherent. Laura's friend Ashley who will have a double mastectomy next Thursday and Cheryl's granddaughter, Maddie, who had surgery yesterday to remove a massive tumor. I am constantly thankful for the avenue of prayer and the peace it brings to body and soul.

Thought for the day: Keep my eyes up and my heart open

Things to bring to tomorrow: The feeling of how the I feel today after eating healthy, raw fare instead of fast food.

New Day - More Insight

2011-08-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

For several months now I have been researching diet, food, health, how to improve my health through my diet, etc.... It's been a long and complicated road but I'm happy to say that I have figured out a lot of things and I'm now healthier both physically and mentally and have shed a few unwanted pounds.

Let me back up to oh, let's say March of this year. This March was the first anniversary of Rick's death and it got me to thinking about a conversation that we had shortly before he passed away last year. We were chatting one night about food and how it affects our entire being: mind, body, soul. I was sure it affected mind and body, but wasn't so certain about the soul aspect. Shortly after that conversation last year, I started on a juice fast. Then when he passed away so suddenly it kind of threw me off course and I went back to my old way of eating to deal with the stress. The year passed by in a blur and I was no further ahead on my goal to health.

In March of this year I started my search again and have begun a new way of life. In July I did a 30 day raw food detox. It was difficult, and I certainly did NOT stick with the plan like I should have but what I have discovered is that God's food makes me feel better, more alive and vital. I have very few migraines, no moodiness, a sense of calm and well-being with the world, a more positive outlook about life. Ron has been very supportive, and has even tried a few of the raw dishes I've prepared. Over the last 2 weeks I've stepped it up and purchased a food dehydrator so I can make raw crackers and flat breads (dehydrated at a low temp so it doesn't destroy the live enzymes). I'm learning how to sprout seeds and grains and discovering in the process that my taste buds have changed. I enjoy the taste of real food. On the occasions that I eat out - it has made me physically ill. While the raw foods tend to be more expensive, it is balanced by the fact that I don't eat out, don't go to the local coffee shop, snack bar, etc....

I had lab work done this week - and I'm happy to report that most of them look good and are quite an improvement over my previous S.A.D. (Standard American Diet) test results. My total cholesterol is the lowest it's been in about 10 years, and I still have work to do on my HDL and LDL. Liver and Kidney function are both normal - they were previously high. And my fasting glucose was still a bit elevated, so I'll need to work on having less starchy vegetables since I've already cut out white flour, desserts, packaged food, etc....

Anyway, enough rambling for today. I'll continue to post my thoughts and feelings here.

Gavin, Wessley, Jase and 'I'm gonna get you!."

2010-10-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

Father's Day water fight!

2010-10-24T06:20:00.000-07:00

Good Morning World!

2010-10-24T05:13:00.000-07:00

October 24, 2010

I've been awake for the last couple of hours so I spent some time (not much) working from home and catching up on blogs that I haven't gotten to recently, facebook, email. . . you know . . . the usual things we all do.

Since I haven't posted since March, I'll try to do a little catch up. I started a ten day juice fast in March and ended up completing 7 of the 10. It was a wonderful experience and one I'm planning on doing again. I lost some weight, cleaned my system, felt rejuvenated and well. I've always had an issue with weight and cravings for carbs so this was a good way to curb those cravings. After the juice fast I included a lot more whole foods in my diet and continued to lose a little weight. Since July though - I'm back to my old, evil ways of eating and have put some of the pounds back on so it's time to feast on frugality again.

The end of March brought a time of hardship and unexpected loss. A friend passed away unexpectedly and well, I still don't know what to say about it. There is a profound emptiness and void. But God continues to put little reminders of Rick in my path. . . happy thoughts . . . ways for me to remember to smiles he brought to my life as well as so many others. I'm blessed to have known him!

In the spring Laura, Matt and Andi moved back to the U.S. which is great for me because I will be able to spend more time with the three of them.

We were blessed to spend Father's day with all three grandsons and their parents this year. It was great fun to have Bryan, Melanie and Wessley come down for a visit.

In June Jason found a job in Lubbock. Diana and Jase followed in July.

Summer found us traveling to Spokane in July for our son's wedding. What a great week that was. Bryan and Melanie are such free spirits, open, loving, caring people and it was a joy to see them interact with lots of family and friends. They had friends and family in tents on the lawn, crashed in the living room, a small trailer, where ever anyone could sleep they opened their hearts and their home.

As soon as we got back, I hopped in another car and headed to Texas with my daughter Diana and Jase. Jase was a real trooper. He spent 16 hours each way(over 2 days) in a carseat to Spokane and back and then a day or so later we strapped him in again and headed to Lubbock. He talked non-stop, naming everything he knew the name of. Then, when he was done naming things he would say bye-bye to everything. 'Bye-bye bus, bye-bye car, bye-bye sky, bye-bye bush, bye-bye train, bye-bye tree, bye-bye grass, bye-bye house. . . you get the idea. Non-stop. We tried to stop for meals at a fast food place the had a play structure so that he could run and play before we strapped him in again. Towards the end of the trip he would scream when he knew he was headed for the car, but if we promised him we were going to a slide he would cooperate. Once it took us a long time to find a slide because the towns were so small but we finally located a park with a bunch of parks and one of them had about 9 slides. As we pulled up to park Jase screams and claps his hands 'Slide, good job Mamma! Good job Grandma!' Diana and I started laughing! So now Jason, Diana and Jase are back in Lubbock for good. I'm heart-broken, but at the same time I'm happy for them.

Laura and Andi came for a visit towards the end of September, early October for Andi's first birthday. It was wonderful to hang out with her and be able to spend time noticing all the changes Andi has gone through in the 10 months since I've seen her. She is a beautiful little girl with a sweet spirit and a big personality. She shares well, plays by herself or with others and always has a smile on, even when she's tired. Her dad taught her to hold up her fist and make a face when he says, 'I'm gonna get you!'. It is absolutely hilarious!

2010-03-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

March 8, 2010

Day 1 of my juice fast.

I decided to embark on this process for a couple of reasons. 1) I am facing some health issues that need to be dealt with and I'm not getting help from the medical profession. Nothing major - just some cumulative things that I'd like to get under control before I actually have real problems. So after a lot of reading and on-line research I have decided to juice fast to rid my body of toxins and help my cells heal and rejuvenate. 2) There have been several things that I need to spend time in prayer over (Glenn Jones-nerve cancer, Work, Prayer for God's hand in changes at Eastside, etc) and I want the mental clarity that fasting will provide.

Today went well. I stuck to the plan all day, faced mild hunger pains, but overall - no big deal. I was going to go for a walk with my unneccesary lunch time, but it was cold and rainy so I took a nap instead. That was refreshing! I had a cup of coffee this morning, but I will be cutting that out starting tomorrow :(. I really enjoy my cup of morning joe!

If you want information about fasting, there are some informative websites: juicefasting.org; rawguru.com, doctoryourself.com

So: more to follow

2009-07-05T19:19:00.001-07:00

7/5/09 Today is Sunday....a Sunday after a long weekend....which means tomorrow I get to go back to work. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Well, actually I'm absolutely sure how I feel and I know I don't want to go there. I'm grateful to my creator that He takes care of me, that this job has been provided, that I have a way to support my family. I enjoy what I do, but not where I have to go to do it. I guess in an ideal world, I would be earning money doing what I love, which is art.

2/18/10 - I haven't been on in a LLLOOOONNNNGGGG time. I was reviewing my blog, and came across the draft above - and had to post it. I sit at home today not feeling well because of stress caused by work and I chose to log into my blog and notice that the last time I posted was 7 months ago, and I was writing about this job I hate, but am thankful for. Maybe it's time to listen to my body and make some tough choices.

I think one of the reasons I haven't blogged in so long is because sharing my thoughts and feelings is very difficult for me. If you know me, you know I don't have a lot of close friends, that I have trust issues and have been very hurt by people in my past which causes me to avoid the human race. Not healthy I know, but protective. I'm getting better, but every now and then something happens that takes me back and opens old wounds. It's an ongoing battle. One that I'm winning....on most days.

Another Love of Mine

2009-02-24T21:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's the creative side of my brain or what - but along with all the other creative things I enjoy - I have another love in my life. MUSIC. I sing - but not well. I mean, I sing well, but it certainly isn't so fabulous that anyone else would pay money to hear it!! But I love music, all types of music...mmm...except rap and stuff where you can't hear they lyrics.

Here is a song by Natasha Bedingfield that I was listening to a couple of days ago that made me think. I believe in God, and that belief shapes who I am and what I do. Not that I follow perfectly or make all the right choices. But I try to follow and be the person that God is creating in me. And a lot of times, that means not bending to the world, or trying to shape myself to be like my surroundings. It's hard, but worth it. My soul is important to me and even more important to God. I don't know anything about the artist, but her words made me think about how I have a higher calling and purpose in my every day existence.

What if I squeeze myself into any shape

And I still don't fit?

What if I bend myself so much that I break

And I can't mend it?

What if I burn so bright that the fire goes out

And I can't stay lit?

What's the point in it?

I could get good at crying crocodile tears

Just to get along

I could carry on telling you what you wanna hear

'til my voice is gone

But if I finally get to the place that I think is home

And I don't belong

What's the point in it?

Where's the benefit?

When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it

[Chorus:]

It's not worth havin?

If it's too much to hold

You can dig so deep

That you're left with a hole

Thirsty in a desert with a bag full of gold

Don't wanna end up like pirate bones

What I thought was precious was just a pile o' stones

I might have the treasure but I'd be lying alone

Just a pile of pirate bones

If I forfeit my soul it ain't worth having

If it's something I stole it ain't worth having

What if I stake everything I am on a dream

And it's counterfeit?

If I reach the end that justifies the means

Could I live with it?

And if it's true that having too much of any good thing

Could only make me sick

What's the point in it

Where's the benefit

When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it

Oh, oh

[Chorus]

It's not worth that much to me

If losing out is what it means

To swim in shallow victory

Is empty, empty

It's just not worth the price

It's only a fools paradise

If it's draining every drop of life 'til I'm dry like pirate bones

Creativity

2009-02-19T17:56:00.000-08:00

Creativity is a type of learning process where the teacher and pupil are located in the same individual. Arthur Koestler

I have been scrapbooking for quite a few years now. When I first started out, my pages were very basic and, well, boring. I've often thought about going back and 'fixing' them. It has only been in the recent months that I've realized that all my mistakes are art. My pages are certainly not worth hanging in a museum or selling. But they are still art. My work gives me a creative outlet to express myself, to enjoy pictures of my family and friends as we progress through the years and the trials of life. Most of my pages are about 'happy' events. But I wonder if I should have been scrapbooking all of life - good and bad. Overall, life has been good. I have a big God who takes care of us and sees that we make it through all the tough times we've had to endure. And through the endurance, we come out stronger on the other side.

I love creating scrapbook pages, but I don't enjoy the journaling process. I guess that's why I started blogging....if you've seen my scrapbooks - you know I don't journal well...actually, I don't journal hardly at all. I'm trying to convince myself to journal in my scrapbooks - maybe this creative writing outlet will help with that process. Creativity really is a learning process where teacher and pupil are one.

I think the best thing about art is that art is everywhere and in everything.

Cruising...

2009-02-14T15:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back from the cruise. It was a lot of fun, and the host kept us busy with classes, make-n-takes, games, prizes, etc.... I was supposed to get some scrapbooking done, but somehow only managed to complete about 5 pages. The ships 2 ports-of-call were Cabo San Lucas and Ensenada. This is a picture of Cathy holding icky lizards in Cabo. Ensenada had the best nachos, fish taco and mango margarita - made with FRESH mango!! It is always intersting to see how other cultures live and it makes me realize how blessed my life has been. We made a lot of new friends and had a marvelous week!

When I got home, I found out that after all the test results came in, it shows that my dad's cancer is an aggressive cancer and is very treatable with chemo. He had his first chemo treatments while I was cruising and has 2 left. The doctor said that after the treatments, he'll be cured. GOD IS GOOD!!

This morning, Ron and I were hoping for clear skies to get some pictures of the snow on Mt. Diablo. We didn't find any clear skies, but I enjoyed the view anyway! Our golden hills are finally beginning to turn green and the weather right now is cold and crisp which is nice after the unseasonally warm temps. It actually feels like winter around here and the rain is such a blessing!

Prepare to Cruise!!

2009-02-05T22:01:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm all packed up and ready to go on the cruise with Cathy. I'm pretty excited and apprehensive at the same time. I look forward to the time spent with one of my favorite friends, but feel like I need to be at home. My dad was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma on 1/21 and since then it's been a series of appointments, research and looking for answers. Now, for anyone who knows my dad, you understand that my presence is not required my attention or time at the doctor's office because he's quite independent. But for me - it does require time in prayer and research. No matter what the outcome of all the appointments, tests and the chemo, I know that God is in charge and for that I am grateful. Maybe when I get back I'll try to post some pictures...

25 Random Things

2009-02-01T19:34:00.000-08:00

This is on facebook, but I thought this would be a good way to start a blog. These things are very 'random' and are subject to change according to my mood!!

1. I’ve seen a moonbeam.2. I love to travel, but have to work so I can’t travel as much as I’d like to. My favorite place (so far) has been New Zealand. Great people, gorgeous country, unspoiled land, lots of sheep. Sheep are cute! As a matter-of-fact, they have more sheep than humans in New Zealand. And ocean – both islands are completely surrounded – how lucky are they???? I’m jealous. I want to live there so I can be surrounded by ocean.3. I'm creative - but not creative at all in comparison to my sister and my mom. It's really quite intimidating!4. People think I'm rude and stuck up, but actually I'm terrified of people and have no idea what to say when I meet someone, so I just try to avoid the stress of meeting new people. Lame I know, but it is absolutely terrifying to me.5. My favorite food: Sushi. No... maybe ice cream; oh wait - filet mignon; or a great Porterhouse, or a green banana. Basically - I like food. Except for brussel sprouts. I can't figure out why God made them. They are really disgusting! (Sorry Cathy and Nettie - I know you LOVE them!!)6. I love black, I would wear it every day if everyone didn't think I was morbid or depressed. So, most of the time I tell people my favorite color is red (which it is, but black is my favoritist!!)7. One of the greatest blessings that God gave to me was being a mother. I didn't do everything right, but I loved the experience and have been blessed differently by each of my kids. They have taught me a lot. Actually, God raised them, they just lived at my house.8. I adore scary movies. The scarier the better. Ron knows it's a good one if I throw the popcorn!9. One of my favorite things to do in high school (besides trying to get kicked out of school) was hanging out in cemeteries. I broke my toe on a tombstone running from the cops!10. I'm getting my 2nd tattoo in August (don't tell my parents!!)11. Dragonflies amaze me. They are beautiful, graceful, illusive and intriguing. My 2nd tattoo will be a dragonfly. 12. I love to read. I could read all day and then take a book to bed with me. 13. I want to be a dancer, but I have trouble walking straight!14. I love sunrises, but wish they came later in the day – God did not design me as a morning person, much to my husband’s disappointment. 15. We have a screech owl that lives in our back yard.16. I find the ocean relaxing, but only get there about 1x per year….17. I would love to take scuba lessons, but first I need to take swimming lessons! 18. I collect jewelry, I guess you could call it that….cuz I hardly ever wear it, I just buy it….weird!!!19. New York has been my least favorite place to be/see. Rude people, no trees. I really like trees.20. Nature – another favorite thing of mine. I like to hike, camp, backpack, sit under a tree…any place where I can see God’s creation. God’s creation inspires me. It is amazing that he created all this, just for us.21. When I was a kid I would say I was an extrovert, but some bad things happened to me and now I avoid new people – at all costs. I’m trying to overcome this issue, but it causes extreme stress and I find it very difficult to move beyond the stress it causes.22. I like to chew gum and pop bubbles….it makes lots of noise :-}23. I like to stomp in puddles and get the people walking next me wet (sorry kids)….I’ve tried to break this addiction, but I can’t!!24. Being a grandma, it’s way better than being a mom, well, no it isn’t. But it’s a lot more fun cuz there isn’t any stress!25. When my kids were little, I made Laura breakfast every morning…but I did it before I went to bed and left it on a placemat on the kitchen floor so she wouldn’t wake me up or make a HUGE mess. Diana and I ate when we got up, which was MUCH later!!!